As I’m sitting here, I can smell myself and the Girls marathon I had yesterday in Christmas Story pj pants and a thick floor-lengthed robe. I pressed the “play all” button and sifted through my new Alexa Chung book during credits and pressed the “like” button on Pinterest pictures of Jennifer Lawrence denouncing airbrushed women. Chung tells me I should roller-brush my hair dry and then dust it with surf-spray to make it look like I didn’t exercise my right arm for an hour while tugging at my thick unruly hair. I’m so confused.
I think I just need to shower.
This holiday time off from teaching has allowed me the luxury of lying around in my filth and reflecting on how to be a better me. I’ve always admired cynics. Cynics seem much cooler because they don’t walk around with expectation on their sleeves. I’ve even tried cynical on for size a few times, but it just doesn’t fit. And it’s itchy. Ill-fitting cynicism is perhaps why I find making resolutions so damn appealing — even if I fail at them every time. Perhaps this is one of the reasons why I’ve taught for eight years. How many jobs are out there that allow a person a fresh start once a year? Want a new group of students after a summer of professional development and reflection on how to do things better? Yes, please.
One of my greatest memories from college is from my theatre professor who spent an entire class talking about change and how the best thing about it was that it could happen at any moment. We didn’t have to wait for the right time. We could give ourselves permission to shock people, paying no mind to the gradual. We could give ourselves permission to toss labels, reinvent ourselves, and be the person we want to be — TODAY. That year, I embraced it with my entire being. I shocked people with my new unabashed interaction with the world, and I claimed things that were mine all along. Only, bad habits die-hard. That’s why change is constant and the work it takes for change is constant. I can’t help but still crave a definitive line, a marker, telling me it’s okay to change because the world is anticipating it.
I didn’t title this post with the word “resolution” in it because I knew you wouldn’t read it, and I couldn’t blame you. Though, before you mutter your own four-letter-word and click the tiny sweet x in the corner, I promise my list will be nothing short of cliché. Wait.
Sunday’s quote {see here} would have reminded me to “Act without Expectations,” only I’ve never learned it. To say no one has told me this would be a lie, but to say I’ve never embraced it as truth wouldn’t. While I’ve typically viewed this way of life as one of a cynic’s, this time, I couldn’t help but twist it — in true romantic fashion — to suit my needs. Only, I now realize it didn’t need much manipulation, just a different perspective. Life without expectations doesn’t mean a life without standards but to live it fulfilled, in the moment, without expectation of a particular outcome. If the journey matters, the outcome won’t. Right? So if I enjoy eating an entire bag of “Guiltless” popcorn in one sitting, then the bloating doesn’t matter? I’m getting there.
My New Years resolution will include the usual clichés but without expectation. I’ll call it the year of discipline. I figure if I abandon my vices, then my desires will have less obstacles. I’ve decided — because I’m crazy — I’m going without refined sugar for a year {without the expectation of losing weight but with the journey of feeling better} and without putting money on my credit card {without the expectation of more money-less debt but with the freeing up of a hard-to-kick-habit}. For now, I’m keeping my to-do list private because for some reason, I’ve found that I add pressure to the mix and don’t actually do those things. However, the to-don’t list is easier when other people can hold my feet to the fire.
This year expectation = poop
Is it just me? Does anyone else find that it’s difficult to share their to-dos but easier to share their to-don’ts? Do you make New Year resolutions? If so, what are they?
Best wishes in the New Year. Here’s to change without expectation! Cheers.
xo,
Darlin’
